Closing a Chapter

Goodnight, thank you and goodbye!!!

My new journey began in May 2017, my first full-time job after years of battle with a demon and regaining my health. I was filled with hope when walking into this place because I liked labs while in school and I believed it's going to be a lot to learn from here. But months after months, I have been doing the same old tedious duties, no promotion, no new knowledge, I was frustrated and was dragging all day. But the upside was, I learned how to say no to situations I was unable to handle. Despite this, this job itself was just a pass-time while I was actively searching for better jobs elsewhere.

When a person is eager for certain thing, life gives him something more important. There was no advance in my career from here, but I received precious gifts from heaven AKA friends. This was the first time I made new friends again since my struggle began years ago. Yes, high quality friends, not acquaintances; someone you can be open with, someone you have resonance with, someone you will mention their names in your private diary with honor, they also give you wings and lift you high. Most importantly, these new and special people in my life knocked down the fortress I built during my depressed years so that sunlight can get in. I am feeling lonely no more and experience caring and love again.

Those warm hugs...I wish I can stay like this forever!
Tried my very best to hold tears for the whole day, but the dam finally collapsed during my last few minutes. Some of the folks who were still in the department after 5:30 pm saw my tears of sophisticated emotions, what a shame on me.

Just on time, before 2017 ends

Finally!!! I got hired by the hospital I always dream to work in!!!

Although it's going to be a per diem position, I hope there will be a chance to become a full-time employee in the near future. Of course, money talks, my hourly wage is going to be more than double, but the most exciting thing about this new job is growth, able to help people in need and to utilize what I have learned. It's not just a job, it's a career!

My new workplace, starting December =]

My current job is one of the biggest jokes in my life, nothing challenging, growth is ridiculously slow and limited and there is no way its minimal wage can fulfill my needs and dreams. Stable, tedious, easy...but NOT for me!! Despite these negative factors, I will definitely miss those crazy, funny colleagues, nice supervisor, flexible hours. During these six months, I cried, got pissed off a few times but most importantly, I relearned how to fool around, have fun and laugh out loud. I promise, I'll come back to visit these dudes and dudess soon ;)

I'll miss the fun here >.< but not the job

And of course, the special friend.
This may not be a place for my career future, but I received an extraordinary gift from heaven. After just a few conversations, I felt like we've known each other for a long time: same hobbies, similar ways of thinking. Then things fired up real quick...couldn't believe something heavenly happened that I've never ever experienced. Not sure if I have opened Pandora's box, but undoubtedly, he gave me support and confidence.

"Things will only get better."
"In the meanwhile, just grind."
"Don't look around, say I'll do it!"

I will miss you, wish you the best.

"Yakusoku no Basho" - This is not just a parking lot

Photos (10/2017 - 11/2017)

Armor is not something pleasant to be worn

Frustrating Job

The urge of quitting my current job is getting stronger. Minimum wage, working with hazardous samples and most importantly, I am not gaining any useful skills here except adding a line to my resume. When I started this job, I was looking forward to keep learning different kinds of laboratory skills for career development and of course, promotion. I am not being greedy but it is crucial to have a better paying job so that I can live my own life. The duties I have been performing this week regressed to those basic no-brainer high school level stuffs. Nothing is satisfying my curiosity and craving for knowledge. Maintaining a same pose, working like a zombie, brain fogs from tedious tasks, I have been nobody since this week started, my existence faded. I feel mad because I am unable to utilize my knowledge and skills.

The motivation for going to this workplace is to capture the stunning view of sunset after workand...probably something too?

The Most Ridiculous Moving

Yes, we are moving AGAIN.

In March, 2017, we moved a few blocks away because the former landlord was going to sell his house. The current rental is definitely not a comfortable place either but I didn't expect we gotta go in such a short period of time. Our current landlord dropped us a government letter 3 days ago, stating there will be an inspection of this house next Wednesday, and he asked us to move out tomorrow.

Now what? Finding another affordable rental and packing up everything within 4 days? And don't forget I have no days off on weekends! Time used for clearing everything with anxiety, I have been sleeping for around 3 hours since Wednesday and I am getting symptoms of a burnout. Woke up and getting ready to work this morning but every pieces of muscles were crying for help. I called off, I am such a failure. Seriously need some pamper and relaxation to cheer up after this mess.

Dinner was like meals from boot camp. Protein is a must.

How many times have I been moving since I was born? Some people prefer living as a rover but not me because this is exhausting. There has been never a place that truly belong to me. I am always on the go, friends came and left. As a super introvert, I have not many friends keeping in touch with me. My future plan is a simply live, in MY/OUR place, pursuing a career I am passionate or even running a small scale toy store ""(^_^)a

Tomorrow will be the day and will definitely go to work before the truck coming in the afternoon...job is frustrating but no luck at this moment. Fortunately, the landlord rent a truck for us so that we don't have to recruit relatives(?) or friends(?) as our temporary troop.

Feeling Rusty

Ahedonia...robbed away everything I used to enjoy, but I am going to put them back together piece by piece. Although I never considered myself as a talented artist, drawing has always been one of my greatest pleasures before MDD got me. A few weeks ago, I had an urge to pick up a pen again, but my skill has turned rusty and therefore, just drew something sketchy =/

My current job is like a joke. But the bright sides are, I met interesting (...hmm?!) people and able to kill the tedious tasks quick most of the days. Licensure exam is over and now I can use the spare time to doodle.

A hugging pillow is a crucial for a good night sleep. It is the best and most convenient way to cuddle and feel secure. 

Sura -  one of the ultimate forms of player classes from Ragnarok Online, how nostalgic!

Wine Tastes Best With Companion

Have been abstinent since my liver enzymes were found out to be sky-high few years ago but finally I had wine tonight ^_^ There was no doubt the plum wine was heavenly, it also bore certain meaning: I didn't care about the freaking calorie count and enjoyed the spontaneous dinner with someone special.

Couldn't believe I am able to savor every bite again <3

The reality is...Wednesday is my first day of week >"< still have to wake up early tomorrow!

About Me

I got used to mentally self-sufficient. Support and care from others is a nice-to-have feature in life, but it's hard for me to trust and rely on others again after going through several years of loneliness and melancholy.

It's hard to recall when did an optimistic girl lock her heart, but the years since I isolated myself have been the worst years in my life. Getting through each day has been a struggle, I was always thinking about ending this dreadful life. Cutting, intentional starving, until I collapsed at a ridiculously low BMI of 13 and nobody was around. My eyes were open, I could hear sounds but was lying there without any sense of feeling as if I was floating in the air. Every parts of my body, except eyes, were unable to move. That lasted for quite a while before I became conscious again. I wanted to die but scared at the same time. I went to my primary care physician with a wobbly pace. "You are dying," he screamed, "you have no choice besides going to ER!"...That was where my recovering journey began. Intense psychiatrist and physician checkup every week, fighting with the demon in my head everyday, daytime sleepiness from medications. I had no life besides participating in therapy until I was strong enough to walk a few blocks. I reconnected myself to the reality by getting back to school for another degree. Besides having a goal of perfect GPA, I was unable to fit in the crowd. Those two years in school, I have been pushing my limit to an extreme: sleeping three to four hours, studying every detail of the materials. My purpose of life at that point was to study and study, to be exact, keeping my mind busy to prevent negative thoughts. Time flies and I graduated in December 2016. Whether it was lucky or not, I started my very first full-time job in May 2017. Yea, 2017 is a tipping-point: a new ride to break me from the virtual prison, interesting people at workplace, a professional licence (Will talk about 2017 in a separated post)...I won't say I am 100% happy right now but having a purpose of life is what I need ^_^ Stay strong, keep fighting!!

Catch the Sun

Random photos from June to September, 2017.

Mission Completed

Spent(Wasted) too many years in school, I finally obtained a professional license.
High GPA is not edible, but a licence is crucial for career development.
2017 is a year of my rebirth, I connect to the world eventually.
(That's a long and dreadful journey and I will talk about the tipping-point in 2017 later on this blog.)

Testing center in New Hyde Park, NY.
Style of this building reminds me my hometown...

I took the exam this afternoon in a modern-looking building a few blocks away from my workplace. Despite my crappy workplace, this area is actually calm and beautiful.
Given 3 hours to finish the exam but I finished it in an hour and then I had a leisure walk around this area on my own. Terrific weather, most offices were closed, not many people. I wished my besties were with me during this post-exam relaxing moment. But we are not young anymore, everybody is busy with their lives...

"Haven't seen you girls for a while, we should have a gathering some times!"
...But when?

Life is like a train ride; people may step off at any stop but at the same time unexpected people will board. Let it flow and at this moment, I hope this new credential can help me find a better paying job so that I can live on my own. Plus, it is no fun to drag myself out of bed everyday and go to work with a RBF (Resting b*tch face).

Let's do it

I decided to start casual blogging again to add some simple pleasure to my tedious life.
Awoke from a nightmare few years ago and realized the importance of having hobbies to combat the negativity.
On this blog, I am going to post photos, drawings, funny stuffs and pieces of my daily life.

Well...just started my first post today.
Hopefully will get thing set up after my licensure exam this weekend.
This has been one of the longest week in my life!!
Not sleeping well, bumping into a heavy-duty biohazard garbage bin and stabbed my hand at work...
Hang in there, few more days to go >"<